Reflections and Resolutions

This photo’s from a week ago, so apologies if they did something bonkers to the space needle tonight and I didn’t include it.

It’s the last day of the year. Last few hours, actually. I wanted to do quick look back at the last year and then outline some of what I’m thinking about for next year.

When I mentioned I was thinking about how to do this post, @randomgeek@hackers.town on Mastodon sent me a link to Techdirt, sharing how they liked how TechDirt always made an effort to take an optimistic tack with their year-turn posts. It’s an interesting idea, but I’m not sure I’ll totally manage it. I’ll give it a shot for the part of this where I look forward to next year. Seems like that’d be healthy.

Year In Review

This last year was a very volatile mix of good and bad. Many good moments, sure, but the bad stuff that happened was all pretty big. Plus there’s that whole “we mostly remember the negative stuff” bias thing. Shrug.gif. Bad news first, as they say.

The Bad

In bullet points, because I ramble on too long in straight prose.

• Got laid off at my day job at the end of April. There was a lot of stress going on at that job, and most of the way things were run didn’t jive with me or my values. That said, I had an almost entirely excellent group of teammates to work with, which made up for quite a bit. I still miss working with them! I’m hoping if I end up in IT again I can poach one or two of them over. Anyway, this layoff absolutely wrecked my stability and mental health, both of which are still struggling today.
• Major breakup in September. I’ve still got a constellation of feelings going on about it, but no matter what it belongs in the bad category, even if it ends up being best in the long run like I suspect it might. Losing contact with a partner and also by proxy losing a huge chunk of my social circle was rough. So it was a big hit to stability along several axes.
• My car had its window broken (and some minor stuff stolen out of it) a month or so ago. Luckily, my insurance covered that repair. I also damaged the exhaust system (tailpipe caught on a really steep hill as I rolled back, long story), and fixing that along with other needed maintenance ended up costing me over $1k that I could ill afford. At least it runs better now, and I found a mechanic I like. That’s probably worth something.
• Still struggling to find work. I have an interview this upcoming week, so fingers crossed there. I realize that the library field is competitive around here, and that there were a bunch of tech layoffs that have flooded the market for IT/tech work, but it’s hard not to feel totally unemployable at anything that actually uses my skillset(s) and pays decently.
• All of this obviously kicked my mental health up and down the block and then down into the core of the earth for good measure. It’s hard for me to find hope, which means it’s harder to do things like job search, so I feel even more stuck, which means it all cycles and gets worse. I’m doing my best the claw my way out of it, and I got an additional diagnosis recently which might help explain some stuff. But yeah, turns out my chronic major depression didn’t magically go away at some point! Bummer. (*rimshot*)
• Jabberwocky’s been sick-ish like half the year. She seems to be legit perking up, though, and it’s looking like more of a chronic but treatable issue. Still, a lot of stress and anxiety on top of everything else.
• I’m starting the new year flat broke in a way that makes me very anxious. Boo.
• Getting my medication was a real slog this year. Pharmacy closures and trying to manage transferring prescriptions, juggling getting controlled substances filled within the strict time frames, all that.

The Good

Hey, it’s the optimism section! I know, you’re all excited.

• Had a lot of support from my friends this year, and tried to get better at asking for help. Might have even succeeded. But the event that sticks out is how I was able to call on two of my friends the day of the breakup and they came over and hung out with me and listened and generally took care of me, and how understanding and supportive a bunch of other friends were, too. Seriously, I teared up because of how kind people were. That’s pretty good.
• I managed to keep a couple friends I knew through my ex, after the breakup. They’re read folks, and I’m glad to still have them in my life.
• Went on a couple of very nice trips in the first half of the year, with my ex and her social group. I got to finally got to Leavenworth and tried out cross-country skiing on my own. It was fun and I only fell down like four times! Pretty good for going solo and self-teaching myself on youtube just before heading out. I also got to go to Walla Walla and was the DD for a bunch of winery visits. It’s very pretty out there, I got to try small sips of others’ wine and having the tasting experience without needing to pay a tasting fee, and I got to sit outside in pretty places and chat with people and truly have nothing to do besides relax, and that was amazing.
• Primary Attribute keeps on trucking. We passed our two-year mark and released our third Halloween and solstice episodes. The group’s still going strong and I think we’re consistently improving and making better art, and that’s rad.
• Kept writing, on and off. Not nearly as much as I’d like, and I struggle with consistency and keeping things challenging so I keep improving, but given how down I felt about my writing at several points this year I’m going to take my overall arc as a win.
• Got my in-person weeknight writing group back together! Hell yeah!
• Moved from an apartment in West Seattle that was going down the tubes to a nice apartment in Capitol Hill. The only issue is it’s exact location, but that’s due to the breakup and my proximity to my now-ex going from great and useful to awkward and sometimes anxiety-causing. That’s not the apartment’s fault, though, and overall the building’s been a good little place to live.
• I’ve kept in touch with a couple of core coworkers from my old job, and it’s nice to keep the friendships going.
• Learned some new stuff, played good games, read good books, watched good tv/movies, etc. I know, highly specific.
• Built up/continued good exercise habit. It’s still not perfect, but it’s been consistent and any interruptions of a week or two have been just that, interruptions, rather than derailing the whole thing as would sometimes happen in the past.
• I continue to be alive, and that’s something. Survival is an underrated achievement.

There was probably other stuff, but we’ve already broken 1k words so ONWARDS.

The Year to Come

So yeah, going into this upcoming year in rough shape, even accounting for the good stuff above. I suppose that means there’s nowhere to go but up? I’ve joked once or twice that it’s so nice playing in the muddy water at the rock bottom of the pit. Gallows humor, it’s good for what ails ya.

I’m hoping to get out of the gross pit water (ew) and climbing back up this upcoming year. So: optimism! Sure, why not!

I like to do resolutions but I also know that those can really backfire, so I’m going to outline both some more general aspirations and then go into resolutions.

Aspirations

• Employment – I’ll be doing my best either to find steady employment or duct tape together my skillsets enough to make enough money via freelancing or gig work. Either way, I’d like to be stable and rebuilding savings by the end of the year.
• Relationships (both romantic and not) – It’d be nice to date someone again. Not a lot I can do to control this directly besides put myself out there and meet people. I’d also like to meet more friends and build more community generally, so getting myself out into the world and meeting more people would be a boon on several fronts. Plus I can probably go do fun stuff to meet people at. Like game nights or stealing police cars.
• Clean and Happy-Making Living Space – My space is currently a mess, it is always a mess, and I don’t actually like that. I’d like to get my place cleaned up and keep it cleaned up this year. It’s good for my mental health, and good for me generally. Organized, too, if I can manage it. Maybe this can be the year I stop constantly losing my wallet.
• Write More, Publish More – My writing’s felt stalled out and I got depressed about it this last year, but I think I can see what I need to do to level up. I also want to finish more things, which I’m spectacularly bad at. So I’d like to write more again, with an emphasis on working on projects that challenge me and keeping my average daily wordcount up. I’d also like to publish more stuff, even if it’s just here on the blog or on various other sites. I think it’d help me to finish stuff, either by wanting to post one story or by breaking up longer works and posting it chapter by chapter so it’s out in the world. In an ideal situation, by the end of this next year I’ll be sending a novel out to agents. I’ve been hacking away at one, and I’d like to buckle down and make serious progress.
• Exercise – My exercise routine was pretty good this year, on average. I’d like it to be better. I’ll work on pushing myself harder to get the results I want. It’s hard to push through discomfort when you’re exercising solo, and that’s a skill I need to build if I’m going to seriously improve. (I did also join a group boxing class 1x/week lately that kicks my ass in the best possible way, so finding more group stuff to keep myself accountable and challenged isn’t out of the question.)
• Focus, Productivity, and Intentionality – My productivity isn’t where I want it to be at. My focus isn’t in places I want it to be. I don’t need to be 100% productive all the time, I know that’s a recipe for burnout. But I often spend time in ways that don’t make me happy or satisfied, and I’d like to spend my time with more intention and make an effort to actively choose things that will make me happier in the long run, rather than getting distracted and wasting time. I also want my single-task speed and focus to be better. Too many things take me waaaaay to long just because I haven’t trained myself well to dial into things and move quickly. I figure between the intentionality and the focus, I’ll be able to be more productive on the things I care about and make more progress in my life, and that sounds good to me.
• Learn More – I want to learn more skills and new things in general. At the moment I’m thinking getting back into Japanese, learning more Python, and learning/improving some form of artistic expression (e.g. learning an instrument or significantly improving my drawing skills).
• Make Good Art – Just like it says. Writing, the podcast, game design…I want to make more art and show it to more people.
• Tie Up Loose Ends – I have a billion projects in various states of completion, tasks and projects I owe people, and other loose ends that eat away at me and make me feel anxious/sad/guilty or just consume brain cycles. I’d like to get way more of those finished up and free up the brain space for other things, and I won’t complain about finally getting the fruits of those labors, too.
• Be a Better Person – Easy to define and achieve, right? 😛

Resolutions and Concrete Goals

You’re almost to the end! Last section.

I have a tendency to bite off way more than I can chew when it comes to the sorts of habits I want to make, either in resolutions or even when writing out a habit tracker. So this will be a mix of both resolutions/habits and just concrete goals that I don’t necessarily need to build into a daily routine.

Oh, and I fully expect to not achieve any given habit or other recurring scheduled action every single time. I’ll just be aiming for consistency overall. It’s fine for me to miss a few days here and there on a daily habit, for example, as long as I get back on the horse as soon as I can.

Goals

• Finish a novel-length story, take it through edits/rewrites, and be sending it out to agents at the end of the year.
• Submit at least two short stories for publication.
• For weightlifting: get my deadlift weight above my squat weight. I’d love to be able to deadlift twice my body weight by the end of the year and squat 1.5x my weight, but I don’t feel like I have enough knowledge to predict if that’s reasonably possible.
• For running: Run a sub 8-minute mile. Ideally, run three in a row. I managed a 9’26” mile this last week, so I think the single-mile goal is definitely doable.
• Flexibility: Touch my toes with my back straight (instead of slumping over). Be able to squat properly and sit in that position comfortably. Heels flat, balanced, butt almost to the ground. Y’know, that thing that like half the world does all the time and Americans are spectacularly bad at.
• [Specific body goals not included but have been considered]
• Be self-supporting monetarily again.
• Finish the audio book text review I’ve owed WTBBL for like a year now. (I am so ashamed…)
• Learn the basics of makeup.
• Get my morning routine nailed down to the point I’m ready for “work” (whatever that means on a given day) by 9am. So up, fed, cleaned up, exercised (maybe, I’m still figuring out which of morning or afternoon/eve works better for me), dressed, and Jabberwocky fed and ready to go.
• Record an audiobook.
• Go hiking at least 6 times.
• Go camping at least once.

Resolutions

• Post an average of once a week or more to this blog.
• For January: Walk 5k steps/day, as part of a group resolution I’m doing with some other folks on Mastodon.
• Write 1k words a day, not including morning pages. (Morning pages are a helpful exercise but not nearly as much for me as back when I did 1k/day, turns out.)
• Work out 4+ days a week. The ideal is 6, with 1 rest day.
• Finally get the tattoo I’ve wanted forever. That was going to be this year but then the job loss happened and the piece I’m thinking of will probably cost a decent bit.
• Clean my place up generally 20 min/day and be sure to catch up on dishes at least every other day.
• Do supplemental stretches/exercises I have outlined for myself every day.
• Journal once a week.
• Sleep 7 hours/day. This one’s going to take some building up to, I’m not expecting to nail it down right away.
• Develop an art skill for 15 minutes twice a week (e.g. drawing).
• Do 1 hr/week of WTBBL work until the assignment I have is done.
• Use my planner every day and have my week plan (which is a separate section in the planner) done by EOD Monday every week.

That all is probably way more than enough, and we’re past 2.6k words on this post at this point, so I’ll call it here.

I hope everyone had a good 2023, and let’s all push into 2024 together. We can make it a better year than the last one was. Or at least we can do our best to make it so!