Welcome to Starfleet!

Our patron fucking saint.

A short, silly piece of fiction for you all. Enjoy. 😀

We’re very excited that you’ve decided to enlist with Starfleet! We’re sure you will enjoy the multitude of career paths available to you, and we want to outline some of the exciting opportunities you’re about to have.

Enlisting vs. Officer Training

You’ve chosen to enlist, likely because…we’re not sure. Were you rejected from officer candidacy or did you just not like paperwork? We don’t blame you, though. The requirements to get into Starfleet Academy and receive officer training are vague, at best, and that worm infestation several years back really shook the confidence of the remaining administration as to the legitimacy of certain policies.

Don’t worry, though. If anything, you’re probably safer in the enlisted ranks. Sure, you won’t have spacious quarters, reasonable shifts, a name, or agency, but at least you don’t have to worry about some asshole killing you during a flight show. Or being infested by parasitic, mind-controlling worms.

The worms were really scary, okay? I was barricaded in my office for a week. I almost killed and ate my intern, whatshisface. He was going to let me do it, too. For Academy credit.

Career Paths

Starfleet is broadly divided into three categories: science, operations, and command. If you can’t remember that, instead remember: blue, yellow, red. It’ll serve you well.

Command

Give up right now on wearing that red uniform. That’s for officers. We make the dye out of harvested space jellyfish eggs anyway. It’s expensive. Why don’t we use the replicators, you ask? Listen, you’re going to have to learn to stop asking questions and blindly obey orders. You might as well start now.

Science

We at the office like to call this the “likely survivor” category. You’ll need to test high on a few aptitude tests, but don’t worry. There’s always lots of openings in “test subject,” if you can’t hack biophysics 403!

Operations

You poor bastard. Operations gets to fulfill a wide variety of roles on the ship. You can work in engineering, where we take personal safety extremely seriously, and the universe laughs at our efforts, and our lack of proper surge protection. You can work for security, where you will be forced to move at an awkward power-walk to confront mysterious opponents in the carpeted halls of your ship. Or you can fulfill numerous other important roles. There’s little battlefield glory in being a janitor, but hey, you’re less likely to get a disruptor shot to the spine as a way of dramatically alerting the XO to a hostile presence.

Seriously, study up for the Science tests, kids.

Advancing to Officer after Enlisting

Listen, if O’Brien can’t do it, you can’t either. Sorry.

Unique Opportunities in Starfleet

Here are just some of the opportunities you can look forward to once you join the (lower) ranks of Starfleet!

• Travel to distant nebulae, look out the window at how pretty they are, and then conduct a survey of them for four weeks straight!
• Fighting new and unique alien threats without proper training or equipment.
• Dating an officer for one, perhaps two weeks!
• Feeling elation when someone remembers your name.
• A cozy set of quarters you get to share with your new best friend. At least they better be, since you’ll be sleeping literally on top of each other.
• The unique thrill of teleportation, and wondering if the real you died on the other side, and you’re just a soulless copy. (The science is still out!)
• Cleaning the Captain’s fish tank. Watch the lionfish’s spines! It’s extremely venomous!

Some Enlisted Heroes

Miles O’Brien — Still alive, despite the universe’s best efforts. Excellent transporter chief, chief of operations, and now a respected professor at Starfleet Academy. One in a million. Seriously. Don’t get your hopes up.

Engage!

We’re looking forward to seeing you here at the training yard as soon as possible! Before you go, remember to tell your loved ones goodbye, along with how excited you are to be enlisting in Starfleet. After all, you don’t know when, or if, you’ll see them again!