“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” — Patrick Rothfuss in The Name of the Wind
I’ve been struggling lately with the story I tell myself about myself.
I’ve had a narrative going in my head for a long time that I’m not very smart. I’m pretty sure this started as a self-deprecating joke that helped me cope with the fact that I’ve been lucky enough to be surrounded by some absolutely brilliant people my entire life. Even when the social groups changed, that still held true. Of course it’s true that there’s always someone better, no matter how good you are. But it’s been very intimate for me. It’s not like “oh no I’ll never be as good as Gary Kasparov.” It’s “oh hey, this assignment that took me three days and still doesn’t work right was done by my buddy in one night when they took the course.” The comparisons become very direct.
To be clear, I did these comparisons by myself! And the few times they were done for me, I tried to (hopefully gently) remind people that just because something is way X for them doesn’t mean it was way X for me. I tried to remember that myself. The very smart people in my life have also on the whole been quite kind, and never ground my nose in it. I did a very good job of making my face meet rock all by myself, thank you very much.
Still, the comparisons eroded my self-confidence. I doubt wrangling with a cockatrice of anxiety and depression helped much, either. Nor my recent job search. These are all catalysts for me to get where I am right now faster, but it feels like I was always going to get here.
Frankly put, I feel like I’m a dunce. The story has changed from “in comparison to these other people, I am not as good at them in their field” to “I’m not good at any field.”
Job searching has pounded this home for me, as has becoming more involved in the tech field/discourse again. Now, I know that job listings are often wish lists, not realistic, etc. I don’t need that particular bit reinforced to me, though I appreciate very much th eintention behind it. When I look at a job listing, I see a huge list of things that I know some of. I’ve worked with tool X before, I’ve done basic admin on tool Y, I know snatches of programming language Z. Essentially I often have the skills to maintain things and read them, but not to build them from scratch. But that’s it, and that’s not enough. Meanwhile, I see people teach themselves programming languages or the newest tool in less than a month. I see people starting new projects and getting to proof of concept in a few days. I see others tearing out of the starting blocks and chewing up the track while I huff and puff and stumble along getting lapped.
I don’t know what to do about it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still putting one foot in front of the other. I’m (slowly) learning Python, to plug a big gap in my current skillset. I was working on studying for an A+ certification, though now I’m not sure if that’s a more effective use of my time than going directly to Network+ or Security+. I’ve kept up writing, I even get practice in drawing once in a while. I make silly tech jokes online with people and feel like I understand what they’re saying when they talk about their own projects. I even figured out how to get an SSL certificate installed on this site pretty fast (though, admittedly, it was finding the right part of my hosing cPanel and pressing a button).
I’m probably improving, but, with the possible exception of writing, it feels way slower than is normal? And I don’t know what to do about it. I think if I started telling myself that ‘I got this!’ and changing the story I tell myself about myself so I’m the kind of person that can start effectively using a new programming language in a week, or get a basic certificate in a month, or could just drink in infosec stuff until I figured out the details of what the flying fuck I should be doing, maybe that would be the case.
But while I’m still on the track, getting lapped? When after 4 years in the field I’m coming up qualified for only entry level positions? It’s hard to change that story. Really hard. And even if I did. I’m not sure I could live up to this new legend of myself. I don’t want to accept where I am, but all the other islands (hi mixed metaphors) are way off, and I don’t have a boat so much as a half-rotted board.
So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to change the story I tell myself for the long term. But if I don’t, I’m worried about how my external story will go, too.
There’s no neat ending to this. Just that I’m struggling, and I wish I knew what to do about it. Sorry for the downer post, all. <3
P.S. (I wonder, too, if some of this might have to do with my personal slant towards being a generalist and thus splitting my attention, but the particular post has gone on long enough, so I don’t want to add another full discussion here. Just this note.)
Oh Ian, I have so been there. First of all, you do not suck and you are not a failure. I think it’s really hard, especially in our culture, NOT to compare ourselves to others. We don’t really know how easy or hard it was for someone else to accomplish a thing. We can only see what is on the outside.
Learning to focus on my own goals and return my attention to what I want to achieve (again and again because the distractions are constant) is the only tangible advice I have. It helps me to put down the stick I beat myself up with. I can only control certain things, and that is where I try to keep my attention. Pay attention to what you enjoy, what fills you up, and focus on that. Persistence and enthusiasm will get you far!
Hi Ian 😊 I feel you on this. It’s a struggle to change the way we frame our own narratives. I think the two things that have helped me the most in this regard are remembering advice others have given me:
(1) You are usually seeing other people’s highlight reels, especially on places like social media. People typically announce their successes and don’t announce their failures and frustrations. So if you find yourself overwhelmed by seeing other people’s accomplishments, it’s okay to step away and take some time for yourself.
(2) My therapist once worked with me by dividing comparison into two categories: upward comparison and downward comparison. It’s true that comparison can be detrimental, but it can also be helpful.
– Upward comparison: When you compare yourself to someone who has “more,” whether that’s materially or in terms of something like skills. This kind of comparison can actually be helpful if you use it as a springboard for motivation. Instead of feeling envious or small, you can try to see if you can change your mindset to feeling inspired by that person’s accomplishments.
– Downward comparison: When you compare yourself to someone who has “less.” I don’t have the perfect understanding of this part, and I feel like it can go into inspiration porn territory, but honestly, I don’t think that’s the worst thing if you keep the inspiration porn thoughts to yourself (it’s usually when they’re voiced and upheld as Truth that things get contentious). Maybe you have a friend who’s struggling too much to pursue the tech education they’re interested in and you motivate yourself by being grateful that you have the time and resources to pursue that education.
I hope that helps. But I definitely feel you on the generalist part—I do a lot of things well, but I don’t think I’d consider myself an expert or genius on any particular subject. But hey, it shows that you’re flexible and able to wrap your mind around many disparate concepts, and being a generalist gives you the advantage in that you may be able to synthesize perspectives that others miss because they’re too specialized in one subset.
Sending love!
S.
This is SO familiar. Feeling like you’re going nowhere while everyone else is going somewhere. I know back in University in those comp sci classes I always felt like the dumbest person there (when it wasn’t true at all) especially since a lot of people treated me like it (and still do).
You’re on your own path and no one else’s matters. Sometimes I like to remind myself that for every person that I feel is ahead of me, there are just as many people behind me still struggling. The job market’s tough right now, but moving forward is all you can do. One day you’re going to look back and see how far you’ve gone.
<3 Ian. The tech field can be so ableist and cutthroat.
The three commenters above me give great advice. I want to point out one more thing. The concept of intelligence – the idea that there's a single number that sums up everything you can mentally do, and that your worth somehow depends on this number – is ableist.
Maybe you do take longer to learn than some people. Maybe that's okay.
Maybe instead of changing your story to "Yes I do learn fast!!!" you need a story more like, "I don't always learn as fast as others [or at least, others in my university program and other environments that self-select for really fast learners], and I don't always overachieve the way the industry [which has unrealistic expectations anyway] expects me to, and that's okay. I'm me. I still do all of these neat and useful things, but I do them at my own pace and in a way that is comfortable for me. I accept this about myself. It doesn't have to look like anyone else's to be valuable."
Just a thought. Take what about that feels useful to you and leave the rest.
If it’s any consolation, I was terrified about changing jobs because I worried that I’d only succeeded at Quantcast because of the tribal knowledge I’d accumulated, instead of because of my actual skills and abilities. I don’t think it ever gets easier; I think you just have to keep your head down, figure out what you want to do, and focus on putting one foot in front of the other instead of looking around at how fast or how far other people are going.